Still in the Fight

Losing a baby & getting your heart broken will cripple you in unimaginable ways. I consider myself a pretty strong person but this past year broke me. Every day since has been a struggle. I wake up in tears more often than I’d like to admit. I look back at pictures of the girl I was before I got pregnant – hot body, healthy, and happy. I was so damn happy – it’s like you can feel it through the pictures. I had everything I always dreamed of – then it was all gone in the blink of an eye. Since then, I’ve become a shadow of that blissfully happy, carefree girl.

A few weeks ago I was inspired by some female wrestlers, specifically the two who recently had babies. That inspiration hasn’t really led to much of a consistent routine though. I’ve done several at-home workouts, a few outdoor walks, and a gym workout. I keep telling myself to get my shit together. I keep trying to force myself to workout, to not just become healthier but to provide myself with a much-needed distraction and stress-release. Except sometimes that stresses me out even more. I just don’t have the motivation anymore. That hot body I once worked so hard for…it failed me. As a result, I lost everything that I cared about. I’ve been trying to just go through the motions, piece together my broken heart one jagged edge at a time – but it’s almost like I’m stabbing myself more every step of the way. That sounds super dramatic but that’s how it feels. I feel stuck. I want to get my life back…but sometimes I don’t even know what that means anymore. My priorities have completely shifted & so have my interests…and my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I received a call from my gyno with the results of my hormonal blood panel. It seems that my weight loss put my PCOS at-bay. My other hormones all seem to be in check and I was told that by the look of both my sonogram and blood work, my egg count was still relatively high. I’ve had three doctors (this one included) all tell me that based on how I conceived a baby on birth control, with two conditions that cause infertility, I should have no trouble once I actually do try. There is (unfortunately) no way to determine if I will be able to hold the baby or not – as I do not have anything currently indicating otherwise. However, this is all bittersweet. That blood work is a snapshot in time…right now. So right now – my periods are regular, body is in check, PCOS seems to have disappeared…if I were able to try, I’d probably get pregnant. No guarantees, of course, but it seems more likely now than ever before. Except I’m not with the baby’s father anymore…nor am I with anyone else. There is no way to “try” for a baby right now and it concerns me that when the time does come…however long that may take…maybe I won’t be able to anymore.

The doctor asked if I was still exercising as much and I said no – not since I got pregnant. She told me to begin that again and do what I was doing before…if it happened once, it could happen again. She also suggested starting either a multi-vitamin or prenatal along with vitamin d. It was a conversation with a shred of hope (and some defeat) that’s put things into perspective.

Last summer >> Now

I don’t have the same motivation or goals that I used to…and that will likely not change. I don’t really give a damn about having some shredded, hot body. That hot body from last summer was working out and eating healthy almost everyday.  That hot body may have failed me when I lost the baby…but that hot body also got pregnant, which is something I always thought would be impossible for me. While I may not give a shit about having that hot body anymore…I can spin the negative and turn it into something productive. Maybe if I can get my shit together and consistently workout again…when the time comes, it can happen again – and maybe now, with the doctor’s help, it will stay put. My current at-home workouts could be much better than they are…but I’m trying. Sometimes it’s just 10 or 15 minutes, and I can barely hold a 20 second plank anymore (hell, my core is total shit since that surgery) – but it’s much better than doing nothing at all. It’s been an uphill battle – I workout for 2-3 days and usually that’s that…but I’m using every last ounce of fight left in me to push forward.

My goals right now are pretty simple. I just want to be able to fit comfortably in my clothes again. I’d like to build my core strength back up. That’s important for everyday living but it will be especially beneficial when (and if) I get pregnant/have a baby. Ultimately though, I just want to be healthy. My body has enough obstacles – it doesn’t need my being overweight and/or unhealthy as another. It’s been 2 days – and so far so good. I plan on continuing with early morning workouts, so as to give myself no extra excuses (IE: being exhausted after a long day of working two jobs). Here’s hoping it sticks this time.

xo

Gina

Advertisements

My Own Evolution

For as long as I can remember, celebrities have always served as some sort of “fitspiration” in my life. Having struggled with weight my entire life, I looked at certain celebrities as who/what I wanted to look/be like. As I grew in my fitness journey, I realized it was more unhealthy to have this than it was motivation. At the time, my confidence wasn’t great so when I would see these celebrities (ie: Jessica Simpson) I would think I needed to look like them to be considered pretty or hot. I got over that with time and when I lost all of my weight, I also gained confidence that I never really had…in looks & in myself. That’s faded over the last year.

Last year, when I lost my baby, I lost all motivation to workout. I’ve touched on this in a few posts but I’ll sum it up here too. I was in the best shape of my entire life yet my body failed me anyway. I haven’t worked out much at all since and my diet is hit or miss. Yesterday, I woke up feeling different.

On Sunday night, WWE Evolution took place. It was the first ever all-women’s PPV, which was a monumental moment. The show featured women from both the past & present. Opening the show was my idol in high school, Lita. I wanted to be like her so bad. She was gorgeous but not in a typical girl way – she was also this tough, bad ass chick that didn’t take anyone’s shit. I dyed my hair blood red like her, wore chokers & UFO pants like her, I even learned to moonsault (her signature move…which I would never attempt now) to be like her. She was, and still is, one of my all-time favorite wrestlers. I watched her come out and just stared in awe. She is 43 and looks amazing. She still has this no-bullshit attitude about her too.

Lita, then & now

I kept watching the show and saw two women, named Maryse & Maria, who both had babies around the time that I would have had mine earlier this year. Both women look amazing and got themselves back into shape to be in the ring so quickly. Maria was very open in documenting her struggle with postpartum depression and her loss of motivation on her social media. I instantly connected with that and as I saw her get in the ring, it really hit me. As I watched these women and all of the others, I realized how they all have overcome many things and still managed to keep themselves motivated enough to be on that big of a stage. So what’s my problem?

Not all heroes wear capes.

My priorities are much different since getting pregnant and losing my baby. I don’t really care how “shredded” I look. I don’t know that I ever will again, to be honest. But watching that show, I got to thinking – if I continue down this path of not working out or only eating well sporadically, I won’t be healthy. If I’m ever given the chance to try for a baby, I need to be healthy for that. I shouldn’t give my body any other obstacles – there’s enough as it is. Another point in my head – I worked really hard to lose weight and I don’t want to throw it all away or go back to the weight I used to be. When I first started, it was about being happy in my own skin…and being healthy. I think I’m going back to day one with that mindset. No pressure to lift super heavy. No pressure on working out EVERY day. Just doing what I can, when I can…and being consistent.

I work better with some sort of a plan so this is the loose plan that I’ve come up with: some sort of cardio 3-4x per week, banded & bodyweight exercises at-home 2-3x per week, weights 1-2x per week. The idea is to get myself moving at least 4-5 days. Obviously the days may vary and with my hectic work schedule, I may have to make exceptions. However, I will be happy if I can do some sort of workout 4x per week – whether that’s bands/body weight exercises at-home, cardio in or out of the gym, or actual weights. Just as long as I’m consistent, which has been my biggest issue since losing the baby. I think I’m going to use that as motivation, instead of letting it bring me down. If my baby was here, I’d teach her how to be strong – so there’s no reason she can’t look down on me and learn that same lesson. I want to her to see a strong mommy – not the person that I’ve been. Seeing these women in the ring made me realize that. It was called Evolution, as it was just that for women in wrestling, but I’m using that as my own evolution. That is, my evolution back to being healthy…and back to being me.

xo,

Gina

Keep the Faith

Image result for st catherine of sweden
I will start by saying – I don’t consider myself a religious person. I was raised Catholic, attended Catholic school from pre-k through college…but that’s about it. I haven’t been to church much as an adult – don’t feel that I need to be in a specific place if I want to pray. However, after losing my baby last October…let’s just say God hasn’t been on my good side.  That seems to be normal and a theme amongst other angel moms. Well one day, upon scouring Pinterest, I came across a prayer card for Saint Catherine of Sweden. She is the patron saint of those who have suffered a miscarriage. I know of many saints but I never knew of this one. Seemed rather fitting that as I question my own faith, this would appear – almost like a sign. I’ve decided to share this because regardless of which God you pray to or what your convictions & faith may be, this is a beautiful prayer to hold close:

Dear Saint Catherine, patron of those who have suffered a miscarriage, you know the dangers that await unborn infants. Please intercede for me that I may receive healing from the loss I have suffered. My soul has been deprived of peace and I have forgotten what true happiness is. As I mourn the loss of my child, I place myself in the hands of God and ask for strength to accept His will in all things, for consolation in my grief, and for peace in my sorrow. Glorious Saint Catherine, hear my prayers and ask that God, in good time, grant me a healthy baby who will become a true child of God. Amen.

Despite my waning faith, I pray for my little angel & all of the other angel babies in the clouds. I pray that they are all safe, perhaps in the arms of other loved ones who have passed on, as they wait to be reunited with us again one day.  Most of all, I pray for me…and I pray for you. I pray that we all find the peace & happiness we so desperately need one day soon.

xo

Gina

Finding Hope in a Hopeless Situation

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I’ve participated in two walks – one on October 6th in PA with a support group called Unite and another this past weekend with another group called Go Pink & Blue which is based out of Brooklyn. Each of these walks were special in their own ways but the one in Brooklyn was extra special. It took place on the Brooklyn bridge as the sun was setting and ended with a candle ceremony, in which we all spoke our baby’s names out loud and honored them in the most beautiful way.

Heart of candles for all of our angel babies

10.1.2017 – the day my life was forever changed

With both of these walks, I looked around and saw so much support. Families, friends, boyfriends/husbands…and there I was, all alone. For the walk in PA, I had my good friend by my side but for the Brooklyn walk I did it alone. Sure I had other angel moms there, who were very sweet and kind to me & whom I’ve exchanged information with to keep in touch. I also finally met a fellow angel mom, whom I’ve been so grateful to meet through my Facebook support groups and who has become a good friend. I met up with her in time for the candle ceremony – which was perfectly timed because I would’ve been a complete emotional mess otherwise. It’s hard to look around and see so much support and know that you don’t have any of that.

Now here’s where I open up and get really vulnerable. That’s hard for me to do – I don’t want anyone’s pity but I said I would share all of my story – including the struggles..and maybe one of you can relate…so here we go.

I’ve struggled a lot since April (the due date) but this past weekend was extra difficult – and it’s trickled into today. Doing this walk alone on Saturday…seeing the baby’s father early Sunday morning (which didn’t end well)…and now having to get through another day where I honor my angel baby alone today (it’s World Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day) – it’s more than I know how to handle. I’ve struggled with things my whole life but this broke me. And every time I see the baby’s father, my heart breaks even more. Not just because everything fell apart with him (that would be hard enough) but because I look at him and see all that I lost. Sometimes I just stare at him – thinking of that little girl in my dreams who looked just like him – and it destroys me. I will always wonder if the baby would’ve really looked like him – if it was really to be that little girl. I look at him and I get instant flashes of how different our lives would be with an almost 6-month old baby. I think of how different things would be with him – how he wouldn’t have turned so cold & distant but rather softened up and become less selfish. I think of how (if it really was that little girl) his whole world would be upside down…and how different he would be towards me (and all women). But that’s all I can do – think & wonder.

A little over a year ago, I had everything I wanted – my dream guy…my dream of being a mother…complete happiness – things I never thought were possible. Then within the blink of an eye…it was all gone. It’s like some sick joke God wanted to play on me. I went from the happiest that I’ve ever been to the most miserable. I’m left to have daily interaction with a guy who wants nothing to do with me, largely because of our baby. Losing the baby caused me to all but hate my body for what happened – and having him be so distant/cold and be seemingly disgusted (which is my interpretation) by me, only feeds more into my insecurity. I’m left to wonder about SO many things it makes my head hurt. I barely sleep. I go from eating nothing one day to eating everything the next. I never want to workout or do anything really. I cry ALL the time. I’ve gotten to this awful place mentally where I don’t even want to get out of bed most days – because what’s the point. I’ve been going through the motions of a life I don’t want to live. All I ever wanted was to be a mom – that got ripped from me and rather than try to have another baby….I lost the guy too. I’m left with nothing but what if’s – and it tortures me every single day. No one really understands – I’m told to move on with my life, be strong for my baby, etc… but none of that is possible. I feel really hopeless and wonder what the point really is. I’m 35 – which is already bad news in baby years. I now know that I have two conditions which cause infertility (I’ve known about PCOS for years but after I lost the baby, I was diagnosed with Endo too). And, if those weren’t enough, now I’m all alone. I can’t just keep trying and hope to not only get pregnant…but that a baby stays put the next time…I don’t even know if there will be a next time. Every day that passes I get older and feel more hopeless.

Last week in my blog, I said it would be day one again – that I was going to focus on me and get my pre-baby/grief body back. That motivation literally lasted for 2 days. I try to be strong – to use my pain as something positive and help others. I have always struggled with sharing things like this, as I don’t like attention or pity. Writing has always proven to be good therapy and I know other angel moms can relate – so I’m sharing for us all. I’m sharing so you know that you’re not alone. Maybe you struggle to get out of bed everyday or find it hard to be a functional member of society.  You’re not alone – because I do too. I’ve gone through the motions of everyday life ever since this happened last year – hoping that one day I’ll actually love living my life again. That day hasn’t come – and the longer this goes on the more hopeless and sad I feel. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking – me too. And that’s why I’m being open and sharing this – for you and for me. When we lost our babies we all got initiated into this club that we never asked to be part of – but we’re in it together. My wish is to somehow find hope in this hopeless situation…I wish that for me and for you ❤

xox

Gina

 

Day One…Again

This past year has broken me in ways that are indescribable. I consider myself to be pretty strong but this was more than I knew how to handle. I’ve tried repeatedly to go back into the gym and on some sort of routine but I failed every time. Shoulder pains…endo pains…my fucked up head…it all stopped me. But here we are – a year + week post-baby loss. It’s time to kick my own ass back into gear.

Started from the bottom…now we’re here: May 2017 >> September 2017 >> Now

Last summer, I was in the best shape of my life & shooting workout videos for YouTube while being the happiest I’ve ever been. Then I got pregnant…something I didn’t think was possible. I stopped working out, in an attempt to try to prevent what ultimately happened anyway. Once I lost the baby I lost my motivation. I’ll be honest…I still haven’t found it. I don’t want to be 200+ lbs ever again but I also hate the workouts that my body is physically able to do. My bum shoulder still limits me in frustrating ways. Nonetheless, it’s time. No more excuses, no more bullshit. I may not be able to do my bootcamp/heavy lifting that I like…but I’ll have to experiment until I find new things that I enjoy.

The hardest part will be keeping myself motivated. I barely sleep and my diet could be much better. Today is a good day to start – not because it’s Monday but because it’s a hard day. I got little to no sleep last night – woke up a million times crying and definitely didn’t want to get out of bed….forced myself to get dressed and come to work. It’s that kinda day. Maybe you have these days too – maybe you’re having one today. Well this is my motivation for you…and for me.

I promised myself and I promised my baby that I was gonna get my life back and turn my pain into something positive. So here we go. Today is day one – again. 🙏🏻

-Gina

A Letter to My Angel On Your 1st Angelversary

img_0836

To my baby,

One year ago, on this very day, heaven gained an angel. I never believed much in angels and the like before, but I sure do now. You’d be five months old now and I know you’d be the cutest baby anyone had ever seen. You may not have been with me for long but you made a impact that will last a lifetime.

The morning of October 1, 2017 started out like every other had over those 9 weeks but something was different this day. Call it mother’s intuition or just knowing my body…but I knew something was wrong. You see, I felt your presence almost immediately but that morning…I didn’t. I kept telling your daddy something wasn’t right – I thought that I may be losing you. He did his best to reassure me and calm me down as we went about our morning. I was very sick that morning, more so than usual, and I had more pain than usual too. Despite us being busy, your daddy took good care of me making sure that I had plenty of water and trying to help me as much as he could. The discomfort got worse with time and he offered to bring me to the hospital but I wouldn’t go. I didn’t want to be there for the inevitable. Sure enough, that afternoon you were gone. I went numb. I feel guilty sometimes – maybe I should’ve went to the hospital that day…or maybe I should’ve had the blood test instead of a sonogram so early on. Maybe I would’ve had better care and maybe I could’ve saved you. I know that’s silly – that nothing can be done to prevent this sort of thing. Still, my heart breaks everyday that you’re not here in my arms.

I got the confirmation on the day that I would’ve seen your little body & heard your heartbeat for the first time. Instead of seeing all of those wonderful things, I got the confirmation that I was pregnant…and that I lost you. It broke me in ways I can’t begin to describe. I always will wonder what you would’ve been, if you would’ve been the little girl in my dreams that looked just like your daddy. Every time I see your daddy, I think of you and picture you guys decked out in matching wrestling shirts, just the way it was in my dream. I imagine how different life would be – and how amazing it would be to watch you grow. We would’ve taught you all about wrestling and sports, while giving you plenty of princess tiaras and barbies. I would’ve made sure you learned about life…but not the hard way like we both had to. You truly would’ve had everything that your daddy and I never did…and so much more.

I’ve spent most of this year questioning everything but the one thing I never have to question is the love that I have for you. You changed mommy & daddy from the minute we knew first about you – and we won’t ever be the same. I hope you are safe in your great grandma and grandpa’s arms, playing with little Coco. I hope you see how much mommy misses you and please know that daddy does too – he just doesn’t know how to show it. I’ll try to be stronger for you with each passing day, so you don’t have to see me cry so much. Please keep sending me little signs and watch over us both. I promise to keep your memory alive for as long as I live ❤️

Love always,

Your mommy

New Beginnings

life-quotes-inspiration-avamagz-the-girl-who-seemed-unbreakable-broke-the-girl-who-seemed-strong-crum

Thank you all for taking this journey with me. I started this blog about 4 1/2 years ago with the goal of offering support and providing hope that regardless of your struggles – it IS possible. To date, I’ve lost and kept off approximately 80 lbs; from squeezing into a size 14/16 to fitting comfortably in a size 4. I suffer from PCOS, IBS, and Endometriosis. I also struggle a lot with body dysmorphia. However, through it all, I was able to get it done and I decided to become a certified nutritionist & personal trainer a few years ago so I could help others in their own journey.

The purpose of this blog was always to share my experience – from the triumphs to the struggles and everything in between. With that, I’ve decided to change the direction of this blog, so as to be true to me. I’ve been MIA on here and pretty distant on social media over the last few months as I’ve contemplated what I wanted to do. You see, last October I suffered a miscarriage. It’s been the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to go through and it’s completely changed me & shifted my priorities. Despite the lack of support and all of the negativity around me, I’ve decided to be more open and share my experiences, so as to help others who may also be having a rough time. Other blogs & support groups on FB have really helped me this year, so I would love to pay it forward in any way that I possibly can to spread the word on an otherwise taboo subject & help other angel moms to see they aren’t alone.

The new blog will launch on my angelversary, October 1. We will still Fight to be Fit, because fitness is just as much (if not more so) mental than it is physical.  Sometimes things happen that completely rock your world – and change life as you knew it. That’s where I’m at now; I hope you will all continue to follow along through my experience with grief & how it’s changed me, as I embark on my journey back to life. I will also share some letters and quotes, as a way to honor my angel baby.  Regardless of how hard it is for me, I promise to keep it real – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Everyone has their own story & journey…but we are all in this together ❤

Stay strong & stay in the fight!

-Gina

*In loving memory of my angel, Baby R – 10/1/2017*