2019 was a complete whirlwind. I don’t know if it’s getting older or what…but time really seems to go much faster now than it ever did. Whatever it is, 2019 was an incredible year full of growth and learning.
Let’s back up a bit. 2017 was the year that I was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life but it ended with the life-altering tragedy, that was losing my baby. I spent all of 2018 very sick & in a very dark depression, not wanting to wake up and not wanting to know what other misery the world would present me with. I made a decision on New Years that I would not spend 2019 the same way. And I didn’t. I’ve learned more now than ever before how strong I really am…and know that if I can get through this I really can get through anything.
That doesn’t take away my pain or my sadness. It doesn’t change how awful it feels when I see babies of friends, who would be the same age as mine, going through all of the milestones (walking, talking, exploring, etc) and how I’d literally do anything to have the chance to see my own child doing those things. I’ve had terrible anxiety for most of the year…but that’s also forced me to take a step back and reflect. There’s a lot to be said about letting go and taking things as they come. While that’s much easier said than done…it’s something I am trying to work at every day. I haven’t been very diligent about working out or following any sort of meal plan..and I’ve had terrible endo flares – but I’m maintaining my weight and clothing size. I still don’t sleep very well but I also don’t wake up crying anymore, so I consider that a very big win.
For the new year…and new decade…I have new goals & a new mindset. There’s a quote that says – “I’ve never seen a transformation that didn’t start with someone getting tired of their own shit.” Well here we are. I have let a tragic event consume my life for way too long. I may never be the same but it’s time to do things that make ME happy. One of those being working out. In January 2019, I made the very difficult decision to walk away from a job I loved, in order to alleviate some of the toxicity that had started presenting itself & allow myself to heal properly. As a result, I’ve stayed away from the gym, except when I have clients or have to teach my class, so as to avoid the heaviness and sadness (and person) associated with it all. However, there is absolutely no reason why I can’t get myself up and go to the gym early in the morning & start my day off on a good note. The daily walks that I enjoyed all summer may not be feasible right now, as I don’t live in a climate that really permits that. Call me crazy but walking outside at a park when its 20 degrees or colder…when there may or may not be snow on the ground…just isn’t my scene. I will resume those walks in the spring…and on any day that may be unseasonably warm beforehand. Lastly, and most importantly, my biggest goal is to let go. I started dating again in 2019…using an app of all things…and it was the biggest circus of my entire life. It increased my anxiety and really made me feel so much worse about myself than necessary. There were a couple of bright spots – in that I found my smile & laugh again…saw that I can have a good time and be happy after all….and most importantly, learned that I will be okay. I always believed you find someone when you aren’t looking and so the app has been deleted and I’m wiping the slate clean. I want to focus on being the best version of myself possible…and as proven in years past…when I do that, someone will eventually come along. Someone who won’t give me anxiety and who will be sincere with their words..and intentions. Someone who may finally give me the chance of trying to complete my dream life. Someone who makes me stupid happy.
So while 2019 hasn’t been perfect (by any means), it really was a year of incredible growth and strength. I’m very proud of how far I’ve come. I may not be where I want to be and my life may never be the same as it once was…but I’ve had to learn (& accept) that everything will be okay.
This line from the song Life Changes by Thomas Rhett sums it up perfectly:
“Ain’t it funny how life changes, you wake up ain’t nothin’ the same…life changes, you can’t stop it just hop on the train…you never know what’s gonna happen, you make your plans and you hear God laughin’…life changes, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
Happy New Year (and 6-year blogiversary, a week late) to us all. Here’s to a year filled with love, laughter…and hope.